What is she thinking about me?
What if he sees that I am nervous?
What if I don’t make it?
What if I cry?
Why can’t I be like the cool kids?
Questions snowballing through your brain like a blizzard and you don’t even know why you try. Why should you? You were never worth it in the first place. What? That’s not what I think. But you would never know. Because I’m hiding my feelings too. I am too afraid to let you see my raw emotions and so you always thought I was judging you.
I am not going to remind you that everyone has insecurities. I’m not going to say, shake it off, they love you, you just keep forgetting. We all know this. I know this. You know this. But that doesn't change the fact that it is magnanimously hard to get this knowledge from your head to your heart.
Every day is a battle. A battle between who you think you are and who you think your friends think you are. Every day is a struggle to decide who to please, what standard to live up to, what choices to make, who to be.
I know. I've been there. And I’m still there. And I probably won’t ever get off of that little island of my insecurities.
Here’s the truth: We are all insecure. Your boyfriend is insecure. Your mom is insecure. Your best friend is insecure. That guy who is always in the spotlight and always knows what to say,
he is insecure.
Every time I think of it that way, it makes so much sense. Well, then I can just be me. And I step out the door ready to take on the world. And I am slammed with the first doubt. Head knowledge doesn't make it easier. And I am not going to fool you into thinking that it will ever be easy.
But here’s the one thing to keep in the back of your mind, the one thing that should be head knowledge and can be heart knowledge if you let it: You were made for this. You were made to love the family you were given. You were made to be his best friend, to be her sister, to work that job. You were made for everything you are doing right now.
That’s it. You may not be the most confident bloke in town and you may not have your act together. Ever. But you were made for this. Look around and see your life. Yep, that mundane cycle you circle mindlessly like a rat in a wheel. That is what you were made for. It may be mundane. But your whole purpose in life is to throw yourself wholeheartedly into this crazy ride called life so that God can look down and see that what He made is good. Because it is. You are a beautiful human being and you deserve a full life that shows God He made a good choice when He created you.
It’s still hard. After all I just said, it is still magnanimously hard to be confident in who you are. I know. I’m still standing in my insecurities. I still have not figured this life out. And I probably never will. But what I have figured out is that I was made to live in Virginia and be home schooled and love the family I was placed in. And I can throw myself into this beautiful life that I was given so that God can look down and call it good. Because it is.
Forget the insecurities. Forget the questions. Forget that they might judge you. And remember. Remember to be confident in you. You were made for your life. Not mine. Not his. Not hers. Yours. It’s gonna be hard. Join the club. But enjoy the ride.
