Afraid

I don't want to be afraid. Afraid of saying things that people don't want to hear. Afraid of loving things that people don't want to waste their time loving. Afraid of doing things that aren't the common things to do. I want to recklessly abandon all of that and do what ever I feel tugging at my heart strings. 

I want to unashamedly post pictures of the sunset just because they fill my heart with bubbles of joy that I can't explain. I want to unashamedly write long, deep posts full of abstruse and antediluvian words even if everyone thinks it odd. I want to say what I need to say even if no one is listening and no one cares. I want to go barefoot all summer even if I'm supposed to be an adult. I want to laugh at everything I find funny even if no one else laughs. I want to love people that no one else would consider loving. I want to read books none of my friends would read. I want to run a lot of miles even if people tell me I'm wasting my time. I want to go places others might find boring, like museums and little old towns and nursing homes. Because I'm a sunset-posting kind of girl. A barefoot-running, laughter-loving, book-and-history-nerding, reckless-people-loving, logophile kind of girl. 

And if no one wants to hear that, I don't care. Because my Creator hears it. And He does care. And I can feel Him raising some mighty applause for me. And that, my friends, is all I need to keep on keeping on being me.

And just to prove I'll keep my word, here is a picture of the sun today that did indeed fill me with bubbles of indescribable joy:

Your Incredible Part in This Harmony

“The temptation for farandola or for man or for star is to stay an immature pleasure-seeker. When we seek our own pleasure as the ultimate good we place ourselves as the center of the universe. A fara or a man or a star has his place in the universe, but nothing created is the center.”1

It’s the temptation for everyone, for every living thing to stay forever young and live the carefree life of pleasure. Responsibilities are time consuming. They take hard work. They take deep thinking. They take work ethic. They take certain levels of maturity that make you leave childhood far behind. And because of this, we back away from adulthood. As teenagers, we’d rather live in a world of parties and road trips and spring breaks and summer. Who cares if that means you can’t have a job or you don’t have an income; that’s what parents are for, right?

“You are created matter, Sporos. You are part of the great plan, an indispensable part. You are needed, Sporos; you have your own unique share in the freedom of creation.”2

As we carelessly swing through life, drinking in carefree days full of here-and-now mentalities, we kill the future, slowly sucking the life from our planet, from our galaxy, from life itself. One person, one teenager who throws his life to the wind to live off of the hard work of others can throw the balance of the universe. Why? Because each and every individual is a designed and indispensable part of creation; an atom in the molecular makeup of the carefully balanced universe.

It’s so much easier to rely on others; your parents, the government, the President you helped elect because he provides you with more food stamps. So you cheat the system. You live as a king, relying on those who work their butts off to keep the system alive. In reality, you would die without the system. If the system shut down, you would be the first to scream about the injustice of it all. But today, you did nothing, absolutely nothing to help preserve the system. You think your parents have got your back. They work hard to give you an easy life. They carry your part of the system. But in reality, it doesn’t work that way. No one can carry someone else's part of the system. Everyone, from the janitor who thinks no one notices his hard work to the entrepreneur who steps out on a limb to chase his dreams to the artist who throws away a secure life to follow her passion to the retired businessman who owns three ranches and five speed boats; everyone has a part to play that is so uniquely fit to themselves that no one else could even decipher the script. You cannot rely on your parents or the government or your caring friends. Not simply because that would make you a despicable parasite on the system, sucking the life out of our entire universe itself, but because you are you and no one else can play your part in this world. It’s because you are a creation and every creation was formed with an incredible part to play in the freedom of the universe.

Humans are born with this terrible thing called prejudice. The janitor thinks no one cares that he works long, hard hours just to get a low salary. He looks at the man who earns $300,000 a year and he has this feeling that no one will ever understand. The entrepreneur thinks everyone is against him. He looks at the businessmen who are so prosperous and he gets the feeling that he’s a minnow in shark infested waters. The artist thinks she’s not getting her thoughts across well enough. She looks at all the artists who are payed so much to paint pictures with no point and she gets the feeling that her deep-feeling works will never make it. The retired businessman thinks maybe it was all for nothing. He looks at the young man recklessly throwing his life into missions and he just feels dried up and useless.

But they all forget. They forget that they are creations in this beautifully orchestrated universe. They forget that every atom in the world harmonizes to make the beautiful song that holds our universe together perfectly. They forget that as creations, they have unique purposes worked over for ages just for them to fulfill. They forget that without each of them, the universe would have tilted out of balance.

The janitor forgets that the artist sees his hard work and thanks God every day for someone who has that level of commitment. The entrepreneur forgets that the janitor admires his daring steps out into a world of achievers. The artist forgets that the retired businessman loves the way she carelessly threw security to the wind to follow her deepest passion. And the retired businessman forgets that he was the one who gave the entrepreneur his biggest dream.

We live in a world that forgets to be relational. We don’t even know our next-door-neighbor’s name, much less that he’s struggling financially and desperately trying to make it in life. We forget that he, as much as ourselves, has an incredible, unique purpose to fulfill in the freedom of creation. And we forget that without him, our song in creation would be missing a vital part of the harmony. These prejudices we all have, that we shove up into a false front whenever we think we could be hurt; they kill. They kill our thoughts in a way that we forget the purpose others have in the world. They kill our feeling of purpose. They kill our feeling of a need for others. They kill our desire to give to the freedom of creation. But they can’t kill our deepest desires for communion. All humans were born with prejudice, but we were also born with this aching need that screams for the communion with fellow creations.

“Now that I am rooted I am no longer limited by motion. Now I may move anywhere in the universe. I sing with the stars. I dance with the galaxies. I share in the joy-and in the grief. We farae must have our part in the rhythm of the mitochondria, or we cannot be. If we cannot be, then we are not...By our arrogance we make Yadah [the speaker’s galaxy] suffer.”3

We have to lay aside our base desires for carefree life and realize this universe has a deep need for us, just as we have a deep need for communion and yes, responsibility. Without responsibility, without throwing yourself into the system and giving to the freedom of creation, you cannot fulfill your need for communion. It’s when you let the walls of prejudice fall down that you feel like a part of this world. It’s when you feel part of this world that you can recklessly give to the universe. And it’s when you recklessly give to this universe that you find your purpose and the bliss of communion.

The carefree life sounds wonderful. But when you dare to realize that you are part of the harmony of creation and God has given you this incredibly unique part to play in the universe, then you want to be responsible. Why live off your parents? Why elect the President who will give you the most handouts? Why live the carefree life because you think someone else will pick up the slack? Why when you can tear down the wall of prejudice and actually be a part of the incredible plan for the universe? Why when you can take on responsibilities and give to the system and gain in return the communion with others that your heart is screaming for? Why when you can belong, when you can truly become a part of this harmony that forms creation?

It’s never, never too late to truly give to this beautiful, broken world and the beautifully broken people in it. But why would you wait when you know that giving is the only way you can fulfill the incredible, adventure-filled purpose that God formed and planned just for you to carry out? Why would you wait when you can add your voice to the beautiful harmony of the universe?

Notes

1. Madeleine L’Engle. “A Wind in the Door.” pg. 178.
2. Ibid., pg. 193.
3. Ibid., pg. 190.

Glorious, Uneventful Days

How can it be so peaceful here, full of people whose love for each other fills in the cracks and makes up for our messy, human faults when just next door, a war full of lies and schemes and hatred fills the stubborn silence until it screams just under the surface?

This was a glorious, uneventful day.

Sometimes all days like this make me think of is the evil in the world; how incredibly blind people can be to their own stupidity, how sickeningly corrupt individuals can become, how insanely close-minded people can be to any ideas other than their very own.

But then too those glorious, uneventful days just remind me that there IS still good in the world; people who stop and forget their agenda to lend a helping hand, people who simply appreciate the small and beautiful things in the world, people who really, really try to make a difference in their community, families simply taking time to be families and love each other through all their faults.

I don’t know why one thing can remind me simultaneously of polar opposites. All I know is that it makes me all the more thankful. I sit here full of love and peace and I think about all the injustice in the world and it just makes me thankful. 

At first, I feel a bubble of panic begin to rise from deep within me; panic from the thought of all that is going wrong in our world. But then, I feel so thankful and full of joy, because I get to be HERE in this peaceful moment at the end of a glorious, uneventful day, despite all the injustice in the world.

Our world is broken. It’s full of broken people with broken ideas. We run on a broken system. And our hearts and minds are broken again and again. But why can’t there be joy? Joy that we’ve been given this world. Joy that we get to love and be loved by those broken people. Joy that broken things can be mended by the Ultimate Healer. Joy that He gives us those glorious, uneventful days.

And maybe, just maybe those glorious, uneventful days were given to us to create hope and energy for the road ahead. Because when the time comes, we’ll need to remember that “there is some good left in the world...and it’s worth fighting for.”1

I don’t even know what the main point of this post is about; I just felt compelled to write it. So whatever you take from this, I guess I just wanted to remind you that there STILL IS good in this world.

Don’t stop at the financial crisis of America. Don’t stop at the terror of ISIS. Don’t stop at the number of abortions that occur every year. Don’t stop at the tsunamis or the earthquakes or the tornadoes. Don’t stop at the jihad, the corrupt congressmen or your stick-in-the-mud neighbor.

You can’t stop at any of those things because the picture is so much bigger than that. And the key is to remember that the sun still shines, your heart keeps beating, people still fight for the good in this world, and God is still the omnipotent Lord in control of the Universe. 

Don’t stop. Zoom out. Zoom out and see all of the good in this world.




1. Sam Gamgee. "The Return of the King." Producer: Peter Jackson.

On This Island of Insecurities

What is she thinking about me?

What if he sees that I am nervous?

What if I don’t make it?

What if I cry?

Why can’t I be like the cool kids?

Questions snowballing through your brain like a blizzard and you don’t even know why you try. Why should you? You were never worth it in the first place. What? That’s not what I think. But you would never know. Because I’m hiding my feelings too. I am too afraid to let you see my raw emotions and so you always thought I was judging you.

I am not going to remind you that everyone has insecurities. I’m not going to say, shake it off, they love you, you just keep forgetting. We all know this. I know this. You know this. But that doesn't change the fact that it is magnanimously hard to get this knowledge from your head to your heart.

Every day is a battle. A battle between who you think you are and who you think your friends think you are. Every day is a struggle to decide who to please, what standard to live up to, what choices to make, who           to             be.

I know. I've been there. And I’m still there. And I probably won’t ever get off of that little island of my insecurities.

Here’s the truth: We are all insecure. Your boyfriend is insecure. Your mom is insecure. Your best friend is insecure. That guy who is always in the spotlight and always knows what to say,

he         is       insecure.

Every time I think of it that way, it makes so much sense. Well, then I can just be me. And I step out the door ready to take on the world. And I am slammed with the first doubt. Head knowledge doesn't make it easier. And I am not going to fool you into thinking that it will ever be easy.

But here’s the one thing to keep in the back of your mind, the one thing that should be head knowledge and can be heart knowledge if you let it: You were made for this. You were made to love the family you were given. You were made to be his best friend, to be her sister, to work that job. You were made for everything you are doing          right         now.

That’s it. You may not be the most confident bloke in town and you may not have your act together. Ever. But you were made for this. Look around and see your life. Yep, that mundane cycle you circle mindlessly like a rat in a wheel. That is what you were made for. It may be mundane. But your whole purpose in life is to throw yourself wholeheartedly into this crazy ride called life so that God can look down and see that what He made is good. Because it is. You are a beautiful human being and you deserve a full life that shows God He made a good choice when He created you.

It’s still hard. After all I just said, it is still magnanimously hard to be confident in who you are. I know. I’m still standing in my insecurities. I still have not figured this life out. And I probably never will. But what I have figured out is that I was made to live in Virginia and be home schooled and love the family I was placed in. And I can throw myself into this beautiful life that I was given so that God can look down and call it good. Because      it       is.

Forget the insecurities. Forget the questions. Forget that they might judge you. And remember. Remember to be confident in you. You were made for your life. Not mine. Not his. Not hers. Yours. It’s gonna be hard. Join the club. But enjoy the ride.